The Killer Diet

If you want to die, don’t call Dr. Kevorkian. I can tell you what to do. Fun, fast and painless (in the beginning, anyway) the death diet guarantees that you’ll suffer at least one debilitating illness by the time you’re 50. Imagine having a heart attack, cancer or diabetes and getting to blame your health problems on “bad genetics.” You can tell all those pesky hospital visitors that “it runs in the family.” They’ll never guess you caused the problem yourself.

Yes, friend, when you’re ready to go, you can kill yourself quietly, simply and enjoyably. Just follow these simple guidelines and leave the rest to your genetics.

1) All you can’t eat – Put on some loose clothing (no belts, please) and visit your local all-you-can-eaterie. Get there when it opens and leave when it closes. Seat yourself at the largest table, and proceed to stuff yourself. Try one of everything, and two of things you know you like. Go back for plateful after plateful, don’t stop eating. Think positive. Visualize yourself as a human vacuum cleaner. Want to suck up another helping? Offer the busboy a dollar to get it for you. By not getting up, you’ll conserve more calories and have a better sense of how much bigger your butt is getting.

When you think you’re going to burst, take a break and massage your stomach. Then resume eating. You’re on the right track when you can’t walk out of the restaurant without the manager’s assistance.

2) Eat red meat – Stick to fatty, fiber less flesh. Avoid fruits and vegetables, grains and legumes. High blood pressure and blood cholesterol levels, hypertension, arteriosclerosis and a higher risk of colon, prostate and perhaps even breast cancer make red meat the food of choice for death dieters. Why, even the leanest ground beef has 50 grams of fat per pound, and that’s after you cook it and drain off the liquid fat. Think of what all that fat can do for your arteries.

Actually, you could clog an artery and stop your heart during the course of one very fatty meal. Or maybe you’d like to increase your chance of food poisoning by ordering steak tartare. Ground beef in particular is potentially fraught with E. coli and other nasty microbes.

Best bets: Burger King’s Double Whopper with cheese, Carl’s Jr.’s Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger, Jack-in-the-Box’s Outlaw Burger and anything from McDonald’s with double beef and cheese.

3) Favor fat – Since the quickest way to gain bodyfat is to eat fat, go for the grease. Commercially ground turkey or chicken is a good choice for death dieters because the skin is usually ground up with the meat. Select oils, butter and spreads that remain solid at room temperature; a fat’s firmness at room temperature indicates its percentage of saturated fat. Ideally, you want a fat you can really chew. The harder the fat, the harder your arteries will become.

“I’ve seen arteries so hard, they snapped like peanut brittle during an autopsy”, a coroner recently told me. Come to think of it, peanut brittle is permitted on the death diet too.

Best bets: Haagen Dazs, one pint has 120 grams of fat; Marie Callendars pot pies, with 20 teaspoons of fat; and solid margarine or lard.

4) Salt up a storm – Consume more than the daily recommended amount of sodium. A level teaspoon of table salt contains 2.3 grams, which will cause your body to retain about two pounds of water. That means a dozen teaspoons a day can transform your physique into a bloated case of hypertension. A sprinkle here and a sprinkle there is all it takes.

5) Have a heart…attack – Lose 20 pounds, then gain back 30. Repeat. Whether it’s fat or muscle, just try losing and regaining 10 every year. Indulge in body-altering drugs to speed the process. Take up smoking, drinking and working (or training) just a little too hard. All of this will stress your body nicely, more so if you’re older. Then some scary symptoms will appear. Just ignore them, especially if they have anything to do with your heart.

Warning: Before you go on this or any other diet, consult your physician.

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